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Advice Thread Anonymous 04/15/2020 (Wed) 14:13:42 No. 474
Need some advice or friendly guidance? Let loose and let your fellow gardeners listen and hopefully help!
my dad is a sexual predator (not to me). i was raped by my friend and that's how i lost my virginity. i later dated him because he gaslit me and i was already in a terrible situation and felt disgusting because of it. it really hurt me to be violated by someone i knew like that, and to feel like a slut for it. my dad's toxicity and predatory nature is obvious as soon as you meet him, he's also like, clearly intellectually challenged -- there's something seriously wrong. my mom is as toxic and fucked up as he is. they're both terrible people that obviously relate on that basis. she had consensual sex with him at 30. she tries to use dating my friend who raped me and stole my virginity against me and say it's comparable to her fucking my dad when she was double my age and when she had actual consensual sex with him and decided to have a child with him. she repeatedly use my 'friend' against me by saying "so then why did you have sex with him again?" after he raped me. can someone please tell me i'm not crazy for thinking these two are not the same? choosing to have sex with an evil piece of shit at 30 is not the same as being guilted into a relationship at 15 with a 19 year old, who was your friend, that stole your virginity.
>>503 No, you're not crazy. It's exactly as you said. Your mom wasn't assaulted by your dad, so she doesn't understand what it's like to date the same guy who raped you instead of just a random rapist guy. I hope things are going better for you now anon.
>>505 thank you, anon. <3
I have a real shitty relationship with my mom. She never gave a shit about me but when I came out as lesbian suddenly everything I did was wrong. Our relationship grew more and more hostile as time passed and me being the violent fuck I am actually went as far as to hit her when she made me especially angry. Shit got so bad that my dad filed for divorce and got custody of my siblings and I. I was glad at first but now that I think about it, it fucked my family over. My dad lost the love of his life, and my siblings didn't get to grow up having a mother figure by their side. Don't get me wrong, my mom was an absolute dick, but she was the only mother figure we had and that's better than literally nothing. My siblings must feel like shit that they're the only kids in their respective friend groups who don't have a mom. I feel especially bad for my lil bro who actually had a good relationship with her cause he was the only one she gave a shit about. He was very attached to her and had trouble sleeping a couple weeks since she had left home. It's been like 4 or so years since she left and I still can't stop thinking about how it impacted my family negatively and how dumb I was. Maybe if I hadn't hit her she'd still be here with my family. Maybe if I had waited until I got a girlfriend to come out at least my siblings could've had more time to spend with her. That's another thing I feel guilty for, even though all of this started because I came out as lesbian I have never had a girlfriend so my orientation is irrelevant. I feel like I HAVE to get a girlfriend or else all of this will have been a waste of time, but I also feel like I'm too aggressive and immature for a relationship, so if I got into one I'd end up hurting someone just to feel less guilty with myself. Sorry for the tl;dr, just needed to get this out of my system.
>>548 Anon, people don't file for divorce for small things. If your father felt that was a necessary step, there was probably more to it than the arguments with you. Don't beat yourself up over this. You didn't break up your family, your parents did. So don't put the blame on yourself.
>>548 >>548 no offense, anon, but she sounds like she was a terrible person even before you came out. she sounds like she had done quite a bit of emotional damage to you before she knew anything about your sexuality. i don't think your siblings would've escaped unscathed from that either, even if they are straight. no offense, but i think it's even more harmful for children to have relationships with people that are not capable of truly being loving parents that provide them with safety and security, be it emotionally or otherwise. i doubt your father divorced her because of you. besides, her issue with you is indicative of a larger general issue regarding her abilities and/or interest in actually being both a good person, and a good parent. if she has issues with her children like this, imagine what kind of issues your parents must've harbored. you shouldn't feel guilty at all, and i think your dad's decision possibly saved your siblings a lot of pain. a real parent doesn't abandon their children over this shit, either. if she cared about your siblings, she would've stayed in some capacity and fought to be in their lives no matter your dad's decision. what i think is a lot more damaging is for kids to put stock into a parent that could ultimately abandon them so easily. it's better they know sooner rather than later before shit in their lives get serious and they start to depend on someone that really has no interest in being there for them. this is all for the best and it sounds like it has nothing to do w you. that kind of toxicity takes many years and lots of $ to unlearn. maybe it's just me, but most people i know with emotionally abusive parents (that haven't been stockholmed) admit it'd be better to not have their influence in their lives. it's just not worth it. that "family bond" means little when the "family" is destroying you from within what's supposed to be your own circle of safety.
Sometimes I'm fucking terrified of coming out as a radfem. I want to get a huge following on social media, I'm an artist and I would like to make an impact through differents types of media. I'm trying to distance myself from fandoms, fanart and such, because I don't want to get followers related to them. Majority of the people who get into fandoms are teens, preteens and inmature young adults. But at the same time, some of my works are "influenced" from weeb media or critizice it from a (rad)feminist perspective. I also follow radfem accounts on my social media and share posts. I don't have a huge following, so I haven't received backlash at all, but I wonder what could happen in the future. Idk. I don't want people to reject working with me just because I'm a radfem. I don't want to give up on those works related to weeb culture either. I just want to be a radfem and tell stories. Does anybody know artists or famous people who were outed as radfem but got away with it? Do you have any tips on how to gather a radfem/non-mentally-deranged following?
>>587 I think no matter what you're gonna get called out for it even if you don't draw fandom related art, there's a Tumblr artist who's drawn some radfem comics only and still got shat on (not redkatherine, she drew trannies in full cat girl gear). Artist communities are full of people who are into that feelsy think-of-the-men-also-im-xgender-because-im-special types sadly. Develop a different art style and post under a different name. Fresh account, no ties to any of your old accounts or people you normally follow, just do the shit you want. Maybe block comments and DMs depending on the platform. Also post some of the art when you make up the new persona for it I'd love to see it
>>587 jk rowling is like, what, the richest woman in the world and her work is the most beloved of all time and yet terf has still done (some) damage to her public image? abusive men and the mind games they play on women to perpetuate their abuse is really some potent trash. like another anon said, i would develop a separate acct and following with a cutesy or aesthetic radfem style, just, one different from the one publicly connected to you, and just wait it out until it becomes more publicly acceptable. people are going to wake up to all this testerically retarded bullshit soon enough.
My sister-in-law terrifies me. She is a really insecure gal and its written all over her face, but most importantly, she has a really pick me mindset... She always makes sure that every guy she meets knows that she is a right winged traditional woman which really concerned me when she was proudly telling about it to me. But later then, she stopped talking to me at all, only giving me jealousy green eyed stares (that been there since the first day we met...) and trying to copy me... Everytime we meet I always notice she changes things about herself into ones that I would tell during previous meetings, EVEN little details about food. I have read articles about narcissism... And a bunch of things seem a lot like her, though she acts like a wolf in sheeps clothing on internet, pretending to be caring to feel valued. My friends and articles suggested me to use "grey rock" method. It sounds like a good one, sure, but it doesn't sound like "me" at all because I am a really social and bubbly (?) person which is why its always easy for me to make new friends. I am trying to convince myself that I should use this method, but I don't want to lose myself.
>>912 >>912 how would it change you if you exclusively used that method on her? if it's in your true nature to be social and bubbly, i don't think trying to act the complete opposite will change you or cause you to lose yourself at all. it's really hard to pretend to be the diametric opposite of yourself. ime, you'll likely have a harder time pulling it off and will have to keep reminding yourself to stick to it, than losing yourself to it.
>>601 nta but jk rowling is in no way a radfem, she's a neo-liberal feminist and doesn't agree with troons and tras but that doesn't make her radfem, If she had actual radfem views then people wouldn't give her the time of day but her neo-liberal views are deemed acceptable
>>920 of course she's not a radfem. that doesn't stop people from calling her a "terf" though, which has damaged her public image to some degree. if she was actually a radfem, yeah, she'd never be given the time of day though
>>922 Sure it damaged her image with tumblr radiqueers, but she's too rich to give a fuck what they think and has the best selling book series of all time. The TRAs are foaming at the mouth for liking some innocuous tweets that say biological sex is real because they know they'll never be able to take that away from her.
How do you learn to love yourself as a GNC woman? My voice has always been naturally deep and I look boyish. I play a tenor/baritone role in choir despite being a woman. I was so close to trooning out in the past but luckily was saved by my sister who told me, and I quote, "being a woman is an amazing thing". My confidence is still always so low. I just feel like I will never meet the typical feminine standard and I don't even bother. I want to be myself but sometimes I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.
How do make someone listen when they assume everything you say is a lie? It doesn't matter what it's about, he tells me I'm lying about my feelings, about everything. We can't have a conversation about anything without him assuming I'm lying. I'm not lying and I actually don't have a history of lying save for an instance he can't forget about. I didn't immediately tell him (bc he was very judgmental, and I was mortified), that I self harmed through purposely unsafe sex one time, with a "friend" I was never attracted to and always thought was disgusting, while having a very serious mental breakdown. It's not in my personality to be promiscuous or have unsafe sex, and I didn't want to tell anyone that happened, ever. I didn't tell him until later and I wasn't completely forthcoming with all of the details as we started dating, though I told him like, 2 wks later. So now, to him, I'm a compulsive liar that can't be trusted about anything, and I'm also very slutty. All communication is marred by this single event. Is there any way of repairing this?
>>949 my favorite female vocalists have deep voices. the boyish look is very, very attractive in women, imo. i can't offer you much help but know that people out there do think this look is pretty aesthetic and enviable.
>>967 That actually helps a lot, thank you.
>>949 When I see people like you, I always remember this series where a girl had to imagine she was talking to her younger self, and had to tell her all the horrible shit she thought about herself. She couldn't (obviously) because it wasn't fair. Don't measure your worth based on patriarchy standards. When I see GNC women I always feel so proud of them and relieved, it makes me want to cheer them on, I really get happy and feel welcomed around them. I'm a GNC woman as well and sometimes I kind of feel alone because everyone seems to try so hard to live up to the standards of the feminine stereotype... I'm rooting for you and I'm sure you have a beautiful voice!! >>966 Wait, you slept with someone before both of you started dating and he thinks you're a slut and liar because you didn't told him right of the bat? He sounds mentally unwell. Has he been "lied" before or smth? Either way, maybe you should give him space. Confronting someone before things start to cool down is not the best approach.
>>949 Honestly you sound like the person I wish to be. The main thing, I think, is distancing yourself from people who "push" a standard for feminity and finding some more friends who don't. Even if it's small stuff like "you should wear makeup more often," those people are helping instill more insecurities in you.
>>966 Literally dump him. You should not be trying to "fix" this relationship because he's not going to change his mind, especially if he's this caught up on something from before you started dating. He clearly doesn't care about your emotional health or wellbeing. Plus a relationship without trust is not a relationship. So... Dump him. Seriously anon.
My heterosexuality is probably the bane of my existence. I always think it's silly to be a radical feminist and be sexually/romantically attracted to men exclusively. Political lesbianism is an amazing movement, and definitely one of the movements that shaped radical feminism. But I hate how my principles seem to not align with my sexuality.. if that makes sense.. I just hate my desires so much. Imagine hating men yet dream of being in a man's arm and kissing his lips.. What a fool!! As a result, I'm pretty picky and selective with men. Complete one-strike-out policy. And I rarely meet one that checks all my checklist, and then I did. But I always keep my guard up. While having trust issues with men is very much justified, I still feel unfulfilled without opening myself up. It almost feels like having to choose between principles/dignity vs. desires/intimacy Maybe I just have trust issues? Should I learn to accept my desires or should I train myself to be fine not giving in to them? Will I ever have a lesbian awakening? Maybe I should just abandon modern civilization and live in a mountain.. I know this is such a "huhu str8 problemz!!11" post, but if anyone could give me advice or some mad wisdom on this one would be very helpful. I would like to be at peace with my sexuality for once while still aligned with my radical feminist views.
>>982 Political lesbianism is gross. Be politically celibate you fucking weirdo. Being a lesbian isn't a choice you can make. I don't have any sympathy for you in this situation because you opened up with "political lesbianism is an amazing movement." You hate being attracted to men? Don't date men. Don't date anyone. Don't act like you can just become a lesbian and it's okay to claim that. Fuck off.
>>982 Samefag but there's no such thing as a lesbian awakening either. You're straight. Accept that. That's the first fucking thing you need to do if you want to be comfortable with your sexuality.
>>983 >>984 I'm sorry it might come off as fetishization/glamorization of being lesbian. I do not try to claim to be lesbian, and I'm very much aware sexuality is not a choice. That's not my intention. It's just that it seemed to make sense to me for women to separate themselves from men socially, atleast that's what I've gathered from the things I've been reading on radical feminism, you could correct me if I'm wrong. The issues I'm having is far from "I want to be lesbian!" and more of "How do I apply myself as a radical feminist in my sexuality as a straight woman." I'm sorry if I caused hostility.
>>982 I was going to make two points one of them of was what anon said but nicer. My other point was NAMALT, which is a phrase we dislike because it's a derailment tactic not because it's actually false, I take it on faith that Nigel is out there, he is probably already happily married to someone else. If you have met a guy who hasn't given off any red flags there's no reason you shouldn't give him a chance to stick around and prove himself IMO. I'm a hypocrite though I have a similar problem which is that I am specifically attracted to people who I know it would be harmful to be in a relationship with. Since finally figuring that out a few years ago I've been dealing with it by not dating anyone. Sorry I don't have any better advice.
>>983 Jesus. Reel it back, anon. I get if you take issue with political lesbianism, but I think you went a little too hard on anon here. She's not trying to be a dick.
>>987 >>982 Different anon here, but being a lesbian doesn't automatically make someone a expert radfem who see's through the patriarchy, I have met far more reactionary and regressive lesbians then even libfems one, Lesbians who ogle at and objectivity women, lesbians who vote republican, racist lesbians who automatically label black and brown people as being homophobic bigots who don't deserve asylum and even christian lesbian
>>988 what kind of men are you specifically attracted to that are harmful, out of curiosity?
>>990 >>987 Sorry, I'll admit I reacted harshly. But the way anon worded it set me off because she praised political lesbianism and at its core poli les is incredibly homophobic. It's defined as believing lesbianism is a politically charged choice when sexuality isn't a choice for obvious reasons. Saying it's "silly" to be a radfem and not a lesbian is not a great thing to say because it implies that you just have to "work past" your straightness to be a true radfem. Anon - you need to realize that you're straight and that's okay, and that the radfems, I'm assuming, that have told you you shouldn't be straight are ridiculous. What you needs to focus on is not being the straight woman that defends the men in her life just because she knows them "sooo well." If you doesn't do that then you shouldn't have a problem being a radical feminist and straight. If you really wants to avoid men - which you don't necessarily have to do - political celibacy is a far less homophobic way to refuse to date men. You can have a fulfilling life without a sexual relationship. It doesn't have to be one (being straight) or the other (forcing yourself to be "gay") So, again. Sorry for reacting so harshly, anon, but please stop praising political lesbianism. It pushes away actual lesbian radfems.
>>993 Narcs basically, probably because I'm a bit of a narc myself. Intelligent pretty assholes. I need the lovebombing to feel anything and I'm a sucker for drama. My attachment process is like; Obsession -> Jealousy -> Bitterness When people aren't trying to get into my head and learn all my intimate secrets and control me I feel like they don't even care. As I say I just keep my dumb ass single these days and I don't have a long term plan.
>>982 I'm het as well and it's funny, because I'm attracted to the male body, but I despise their socialization. I've never been in love. Never. Just think of your sexuality as an attraction to a body, nothing more. That doesn't mean you aren't a radfeminist. It's just the way you are, don't worry.
How to stop spending so much time on my phone/on the internet? It's debilitating at this point and I feel awful each night.
>>1010 They do have those free apps that monitor the time you spend and try to force you to get to bed. People do say they work.
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>>1010 Find addons that limit your time online for your browser. I know there's addons like StayFocusd and Monastery for Chrome/FF respectively but not sure how updated they are. I've read some article a long time ago about how most websites are designed to keep your attention focused on other things (large banners and spaced out text) instead of the actual information that you're looking for, so maybe another addon like minimal for FF might help too. Don't know what the Chrome equivalent is. If you want the entire internet off at certain times like at night so you can sleep I think routers can schedule that but you'd have to look into that yourself depending on router model.
>>1010 Too much blue light is not good for you. There are ways to mitigate that i.e. warm screen filtering software, computer glasses, or even a dedicated e-ink monitor. You really want to not have your phone within reach of your bed. Browsing is a first-class experience on the desktop or laptop. Ideally you would stop browsing a full hour before bedtime. >>1012 >most websites are designed to keep your attention focused on other things (large banners and spaced out text) instead of the actual information that you're looking for It's certainly possible for one to delve pretty far into no-JS autism considering how vacuous websites are nowadays, but that's probably a bit much. Turning off your wi-fi before bed is a good idea though.
>>1010 find something to do
How do I get over my Crush, there's this guy at work and whenever I see him I just lose my cool and start behaving weirdly in front of him, I have had so many fantasies about him and I pine him from afar, but I know it could never work between us how do I end these feelings ?
>>1027 Well, anon. Find some sort of hobby, try to avoid talking to him outside of formal settings, remind yourself that your feelings are superficial and you have a crush on an idealised version of him.
I've been grey rock to my father for the past two years, haven't responded to a call or text since. He's caught on and now he has his wife calling/texting me when he actually wants something. She's a sweet woman and I've tried my best not to involve her, but with father's day/ his birthday coming up, she's been pretty relentless about making sure I do something for him. I don't want to be rude to her, but I'm not sending a fucking card to a manipulative narcissist. What should I say? Or is there a "gift" I could give that's so low effort it wouldn't even warrant a "thank you?"
>>1075 Even good people become flying monkeys for narcissists. She's being used and if you have to cut her off to avoid him, do so. Have you watched dr. ramani's youtube channel? Her videos on narcissists are great and she has a specific video on flying monkeys.
>>1075 Ugh, that's the worst. Honestly, I know you don't want to be rude, but sometimes it's not really avoidable unless you want to expend like, stupid amounts of energy tiptoeing around the feelings of people who would throw you under the bus for their malignant spouse, anyways. I can only say what I do, which is that I try to explain to these women that my relationship with my dad is complicated and honestly, it's between us -- not her, me, and him. Because truthfully, it's kind of rude to involve yourself in the intricacies of someone else's relationship with their child, unless you intend to better the life of the child or help the parent right wrongs. Her contacting you for HIS birthday, not even someone else's birthday that you both know, or your own birthday (literally wtf considering I assume she knows you're avoiding him?) doesn't give an indication that that seems to be the case, so eh. I'd feel really weird as a partner to insert myself in someone else's relationship with their child and ever insist their adult child, who has been avoiding them for 2 years, do something -for them-, especially considering this isn't a dire situation or something. Alternatively, I'd ignore her. I don't really see the point in keeping up communication with people do the bidding for manipulative narcissists. If it's a punishment gift, he will likely demonize you anyways and make you look bad to her (obviously leaving out the context of your relationship while weaving his narrative as to why you're a terrible daughter, to her), and if you send him something nice (even a card) he'll likely feel validated/use it as an excuse to believe you think highly of him, probably partially undoing the progress you've made over the past 2 years. Just my 2 cents on how it may go based on my experience.
>>1079 Not familiar, but I'll check her out. Thanks! >>1080 Thank you for perspective. I honestly never considered that I didn't have to explain myself to her lol. This is why it's good to hear from people who have been in similar situations.
There’s no winning with narcissists; they can only be avoided. https://n-continuum.blogspot.com/?m=1
Pathetic vent but there's a woman in my online college class that I'm pretty sure hates me. I really thought we'd be friends but she's the only person in the class group chat that doesn't seem to appreciate my contribution but would praise everyone else's. I'm upset and anxious about how she probably sees me as a competition when I actually just want her to appreciate or treat me equally like she does to everyone else. It's really intimidating, and my social anxiety doesn't help. In turn I'm pressured and stressed to do even better than her when I just really want to pass the class with a good GPA. Maybe its just that I never had this experience in high school? or that I'm really just looking for her approval? I don't even know anymore, I think I'm just pathetic. Either way, I wish more women enjoy the idea of teaming up with their fellow women and compete/challenge with men instead in academic settings. song related https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMVTOxELjfU


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