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Confessions Anonymous 06/12/2020 (Fri) 05:32:56 No. 1187
Confession your sins and grievances
My Confession of being a racist handmaiden Labels such as being a handmaiden or being a racist get thrown around a lot on the internet, sometimes undeservedly but I derived both these labels, the stuff I said and believed in was horrible and disgusting and I'm not asking for forgiveness just trying to explain how I got to that point and how I got out My dad was black and my mom was white, growing up my dad was absent through most of my life, he often skipped child support payments and the times I did see him, he was loud and abusive towards my mother, so I had just cause to hate my dad but what was wrong that I started hating all black men and believed the vast majority of black men were like this, growing my paternal figure was my moms dad and he was a good guy and so was the rest of my moms side and I still love them very much What didn't help was general black pop culture, I genially dislike rap as a music style and found the misogyny , colorism, vulgarity and wanna be macho culture of the lyrics and music videos to be a extra extra reason to hate it , I drifted towards rock and later metal music and had a mainly white and Hispanic female group of friends, as I got older I started being highly critical of SJWs and liberals, cause I genially believed that the vast majority of problems Africans Americans faced were self inflected because they didn't work hard enough, and even though I was not white I started getting offended on behalf of my mother and white female friends and my grandfather and male relatives of any articles/memes making fun of white men or white women even though they likely didn't even know or care about it, I went down more and more Anti-SJW spaces which were filled spergy proto-Alt Right guys and I joined them in there hatred, eventually this racism pushed on to men and women of other races and at that point I'm proud to say that I did leave those spaces but I still maintained this hatred of black culture and I had these problematic ideas of superiority of "white" culture and civilization and also I built up this some resent mainly towards white liberal women who bashed western culture, I didn't hate them necessarily I was just jealous and felt they were ungrateful(which I know sounds awful, as I'm typing this) I eventually ended up in a relationship with a guy, who was a nerd for Egyptian history, we often talked about historical civilizations, and he changed my ideas about the artificially of what is western civilization, and how originally it was used by British and American propaganda forces as a excuse to go to war with Germany, we both together started learning about aspects of Africans culture and I started learning about the diversity of African American culture, such as the Gullah people and Louisiana Cajuns, I started talking to African American women more and more, I evolved from my prejudices and became a better person, It doesn't excuse my racism, sexism and hateful content in that past, I should have known better but I can't change what I was and I'm not the only either who went though this, Doja Cat is a more a public example of this phenomenon
>>1188 Interesting read, anon. I think a lot of people would understand that your situation is pretty specific and have a sympathetic tone towards it. Really glad you got out of those spaces, because obviously they're harmful on a larger scale, but they seem to be personally very destructive as well, especially if you're part of a minority group or would not be considered white to these people, etc. This isn't that uncommon. What's important is that you were able to claw your way out of these awful communities. It seems like women unfortunately waste a lot of time being unnecessarily miserable in these communities and just stewing in self hatred, trying to bond with people that resent them anyways, and it really breaks them down mentally
>>1190 Sadly as I said I don't my think mu situation is unique either, In those spaces I did see plenty of other(though not a lot) of self hating half black girls there we well, they all had similar experiences to my own
A couple years ago, I was in a heavily abusive relationship. It fucked me up. I had no friends because she forced me to distance myself from them, she repeatedly forced me to have sex or touch her, she tried to convince me that, once I broke up with her, my next partner was abusive. And now she's accusing me of raping her. And to be honest? I don't know if I did or not. We were both kids. We didn't know how to communicate what we wanted. What if what I thought was her forcing me to have sex with her was me forcing her to have sex with me? Sometimes I just want to go back and apologize, even though she's fucked up in so many ways she would just hurt me more. Other people who saw the situation outside of the two of us have told me her behavior was nasty, and that she treated her other "friends" the same way. But I don't know what to do. It tears me up inside because I know she'll be calling me a rapist to every partner she ever has. And it'll be me. People will think I'm a rapist and I can't even convince myself I'm not because she was always right and I was always wrong. I don't know what to do.
>>1205 > I had no friends because she forced me to distance myself from them > she repeatedly forced me to have sex > tried to convince me that my next partner was abusive Even if you were young, she was clearly controlling and abusive. From what you mentioned, is she a narc? Regardless, please cut contact with her and block her everywhere. If she gets into a relationship and tells them that you're a rapist, it's unfortunate but you can't do anything about it. All you can hope is her future partners see who she really is without your help. If other people have your side, that's amazing. Reach out to them and vent if possible! > I can't even convince myself I'm not because she was always right and I was always wrong. Anon, you know the truth and are right. You know she's not a good person and tried to manipulate you. It's hard but please find a friend or therapist who believes you and can help you work through this.
>>1207 Thank you for the advice. I've suspected she's a narc because her mother is, but I've never been super sure since I don't like to armchair people I know I can't control what she does or what people believe, but it's still painful because obviously that's not the person I am or want people to think I am. I think at this point I need a new therapist (my therapist is still "gender focused" from my TRA days) focused on abuse because I've hit a wall in recovering. Sorry for the big/sappy/heartfelt posts, especially on here, but I'm glad you took time to respond.
I only check the overboard even though I know contributing in older threads would make the site more active.
I really like giving advice on /ot/ and /adv/ despite being a fucking mess myself. On /adv/, I'm harsh because these men are trainwrecks, but on /ot/ I say "it's ok! u can do it!! uwu." Truly, the amount of time I spend on lolcow in general is atrocious, I've completely atrophied my attention span and have completely fucked over my sleep schedule. I don't even feel like the word "feminist" applies to me when I can't get my shit together, maybe it is better reserved for women who participate in activism.
>>1393 same, anon. i don't visit lolcow anymore but i used to do the same. i don't think it's necessarily true that you can't give advice if you're a mess, though. your personal progress could be hampered by other things, but your ideas and advice could still be totally great.
I wrote a fake story on Reddit that ended up getting so many upvotes and comments that it ended up on the front page of the subreddit. The premise of the story was completely ridiculous, but people bought it anyway. I feel bad for those who got emotionally invested in the scenario and showed concern for the OP, but I also can't stop fucking laughing. It's insane. It just solidified for me how awful that website really is. You can write any stupid nonsense, and as long as it sounds sort of interesting and hits on certain (male) insecurities, they'll jump right on board.
>>1418 Anon, pls, you can't just say this and not let us read it or at least give a summary
>>1444 The comments that are so upset on your behalf, lmfao
>>1444 this is actually so funny, best thing i've read all day easily proves the point that reddit will believe every single shit you present them, no matter how stupid or sketchy it sounds
>>1444 >Please don’t mention the fucking Pulp Fiction scene, I don’t care. But anon it's all I can think about
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>>1444 Looks like someone posted a screencap of this conversation in the thread. I’m not really sure what their point is, though. It’s already run its course as far as visibility goes, and there are tons of other possibly-fake stories on that same subreddit, so it's weird. Plus, anyone can go on an anon imageboard and claim anything from Reddit is their creative writing.
>>1468 Now that I think about it, what if the OP of >>1418 is actually that same Reddit user trying to bait some more, playing both sites? Layers of subterfuge.
>>1468 >account made 15 days ago Alright which one of you retards is playing 5d underwater chess here
>>1469 i feel like it has to be. granted, i'm not the most technologically inclined, but ag didn't come up on any search engines that i searched using the url? figured it's possible the reddit user could've plausibly gotten curious about the story and maybe searched the url and found us, but i couldn't find anon's post anywhere. unless it just happens to be someone who was browsing ag and decided it'd be a groundbreaking move to post anon's admission (which, as you say, really doesn't count for anything alone anyways?)? either way, it was someone that was here, from what i can tell
>>1475 We have spiteful lurkers here from the other board. Nobody cared when they screencapped us there, but this gives them a chance to screencap us on reddit and maybe get some attention.
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>>1447 Redditors are extremely gullible.
>>1444 How tf did you spend time on this much stuff?
>>1485 Didn't really take long, I was watching that scene from Pulp Fiction with my boyfriend, and said “Imagine if some guy found his girlfriend giving his dad a foot massage”, then typed it up in a few minutes, not expecting much. >>1476 It looks like whoever posted the site linked to it, and wanted it to take off as a “female incel place”, so the “spiteful lurker” theory is probably accurate. Probably one of many actual incels permanently mad over this site, kek. >>1475 >>1469 Not me, but I can't really prove that. I doubt it'll do much damage to the site as a whole, since no one really cared. Funny how someone commented that I must've wanted karma on a throwaway account on a site I think is a joke (and that this is the wildest story I could come up with, lmao), but I guess that's Redditor rationalization.
I use to think of sites like lolcow as innocent gossip sites but then I realized how intrusive and stalkerish they are. It goes far beyond gossip when they start saving deeply personal social media reserved for friends and relatives, like private snapchats. Or when they ask for "more information" on a target. Gives me icky feelings of a trafficking website. It's starting to feel more more like trafficking than random internet drama
>>1558 Yeah, or when they talk about how cows have "ruined their lives" by having a thread made. Also I remember they said that cows who killed themselves weren't influenced by lc at all.
>>1558 I feel guilty still going there for /ot/, /g/, and /m/ still because of how messed up the drama boards can be. There are some real nasty users there. It's nice to have a female-leaning imageboard but these places encourage real stalkerish behavior.
>>1558 >>1569 >>1559 The whole approach of LC is some sort of mental AIDS, I'd rather not being associated with it. It feels like a mix of middle school and celebrity/paparazzi cultures. I'm glad I know it exists, but I don't want this in my life or near it.
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>>1572 >>1558 have you seen the Becca Hillburn thread, its the best example of this mentality Becca Hillburn is a mediocre artist who makes a mediocre children's watercolor comic, her only "sin" is being a fair to middling artist and being somewhat of a weeb despise being in her late 20's and and there's entire 1000+ post thread about her critiquing her mediocre art and laughing at her shortcomings in her career and then the attacks start getting personal for no reason overanalyzing her engagement and mocking the way she dresses and her appearance
>>1573 I mean, she's a small celebrity so it's not that different from Hollywood gossip. Most of them are e-celebs, influencers and so on. But it's sad when they pick random people with not many followers (though I admit that's more of a KF thing).
>>1573 >being a weeb For an "art cow" she's different, doesn't have weird fetishes kek. Most of the thread is artists nitpicking (too bad they don't post their work) and calling her entitled/unaware. She's got a pretty small platform, she doesn't count as much of a celeb.
>>1569 It goes beyond that I think. Just look at the true crime thread, it's made of the same wood https://www.asherahsgarden.net/ot/res/1242.html Making drama out of people's semi-public lives is just a way to make them more easily consumable, thus sell-able. There is a lack of morals in all this: pushing for the dirty, the infamous, the naughty translates into selling more, so that's were we are all going because it's the path of least resistance and it does generate more money, and everyone is doing it etc. Refusing to buy into it requires an actual effort because nowadays it is everywhere. Every time spent with friends eventually devolves into a chat about This Guy or That Gal and what do you think of it. Give your opinion, comment, lament, criticize etc. It's always about being a spectator, a consumer of other people's lives. I'm rambling, but I feel this is being pushed into my life for quite some time, and there is no upside to it, it just besmirches everyone involved.
>>1599 normal people who follow true crime are very different from petty people ragging on and obsessively stalking a largely inoffensive artuber that they're frankly, jealous of. being aware of crime, what leads people to it or what seems to cause it (especially in rashes of a particular type of person and a particular type of victim), outcomes of trials, has a different purpose than shitting on successful but perhaps slightly grating e-artists or harassing girls out of jealousy and cruelty, who are sadly manipulated by their evil parents and unfortunately have public mental breakdowns on the internet and are forced into marriages with pedophilic men.
>>1601 It's still people's misery as entertainment. I don't believe the point is to draw a great lesson on the nature of humanity, or learning more about yourself. It's just "wow, people can do that", the same reaction when watching a guy lighting up his fart for the first time.
>>1607 i think it's very different. it reminds me to be wary of people, especially men.
>>1188 I can relate to your last part about feeling resentment towards white western women cause I felt they never appreciated all the privileges that they were given to them by white men, to an extent I still do resent women born in the west who complain about it, I know this may sound dumb but I live in Pakistan and I know things aren't perfect America or Europe but its much superior to what we have here, the fact that I had to cover my head with a scarf with any male(even close relatives) that isn't my brother or father, the yearly thousands of honour killings of young women, the blasphemy law that has a death penalty of anyone who becomes an ex-muslim or if any non-Muslim allegedly insults Islam, for me the few years I spent in the UK aborad for education were literally heaven for me, even the simple things that women who grew up in the west really can't understand or I think even appreciate I had to come back to Pakistan though and my parents want me to get married to someone I have likely have never met, I'm rejecting everyone and I'm trying to leave this country as quick as I can, I'm willing to become a Christian of any sect in hopes that some Christian NGO will help me get out of here, if that doesn't work i really am just thinking about killing my self, there is no hope for me in this country no matter what I do, I don't want to die but it's the best option for me then spending my life in this nation
>>1629 Why did you have to go back? Expired visa? Is there no way for you to seek asylum? if not in europe, things are not really that bad here in south america, and immigration is easier. I don't know if you already saw it but the subreedit /r/iwantout could help too, people are really kind there and could help you form a plan.
>>1631 I had finished my education and I had to come back, i really didn't have much choice in the matter but it was only when I arrived back that I knew what I had lost I'm gonna check out that sub but my parents would never let me leave Pakistan, I literally had my chance to leave and I blew it, I had been talking to some Christian ngos and they could have possibly smuggled me out of the country, even though I'm not a Christian I was willing to pretend to be one for my whole to get out, I was that desperate Funny you mentioned Latin America, from the documentries it seems even in the most conservative Latin American countries women still have comparatively more rights and freedoms then here in Pakistan, like even though you deal with the same economic troubles, military rule and intervention from America it still seems women still take more part in society and can be women Women in the Muslim world had really one chance for improvement and that was during socialist rule, God I wished the Soviets had invaded us and outlawed this moronic religion
>>1634 Yes, i mentioned latin america because we have it pretty good here even if the region is poor, and we are pretty lax when it comes to immigration and visas. If you have a UK education you could get a job easily i think, and in Brazil there are SO MANY christians that some would be willing to take you in, too. If you want to, you could contact feminist brazillian organizations? we have a good number of them and they could help you. I know of azmina amd cfemea, and an activist named lola aronovich, they answer emails in english i believe. Are you allowed to sneak into the airport and leave, or do you need your family / husbands permission? I'm sorry, i don't have my own house and i earn less than 200 dollars a month, i wish i could help you more. Please do post on the sub, and maybe r/exmuslim too. I'm sure someone else has escaped.
>>1636 Could have snuck out but airports are a mess, there was a recent airplane crush, which led to a massive investigation of the state owned airline, which led to a corruption scandal, so airports might not be a suitable option for now I already post on r/exmuslim btw, and am honestly gonna go look into the idea of moving to Latin America,(always had a fascination with Peru and Argentina) but like any south American Country would work for me and plus I think I have features that might fit well, i have brown skin, green eyes and blonde hair
>>1637 Uruguay is also a wonderful country, very progressive and welcoming of foreigners with an education. Good luck anon, i really wish you the best.
i meant on not arguing with tras on twitter but holy shit they're so stupid and disingenuous i responded to one. i don't have debate points or skills lol why do i do this
There are so many upper middle class poc in America who straight up hate poor people because they believe they're all racist... and their justification is listing all the stereotypes associated with poor people and saying "this leads to them being racist". They can claim it's "only whites" all they want, the way they talk about this stuff reveals their bias. And you know, this makes me very insensitive to whatever they experience. If you're not for solidarity you can kiss my ass.
I follow some detrans men on my twitter and I'm so horny I keep wondering if they're cute or not. I see a lot of detrans people in STEM so we'll have that in common kek.
>>1924 you mean men with moobs or women?
>>1927 I mean "men with moobs", yes. I'm straight.


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